by CMR@dmin | Dec 21, 2021 | Support
Bright Christmas lights. Festive music everywhere, telling us to feel jolly and get into the festive spirit – because it’s Christmas.
For many, it is a time of family gatherings and despite the past two year’s crisis management of almost all life situations, the Christmas feeling is felt in shops already.
People really want to feel “normal” again, and it is understandable that they are reaching towards a feeling of togetherness and belonging – the very things we have been denied these past two years.
There are however thousands who are without family. Some of them live on the street. Their experience of Christmas does not include lights and trees. Their biggest hope is to have food every day. Many others may well not be living on the street, but they do not know where to go since they do not have a family to be with. During the pandemic, many people have lost loved ones, whose empty seats will be difficult to cope with.
Money problems, financial stress, joblessness. 2021’s stressors are worse than that of 2020. There is still uncertainty, especially now with the new developments around the virus.
And many stand alone. Loneliness can affect anyone, even small children. Think of a single mom who has no family, who struggles to engender a Christmas feeling in her home. Small children especially are drawn to the trees, lights and gifts in the shops. And mom does not have a festive bone in her body. In fact, the stress of the holiday season may mean she really does not look forward to this time of year.
Against this backdrop, things can go wrong. Children who do not understand, become demanding. And mom feels guilty, too. Thus loneliness gets its claws into her. And smaller children feel it too, especially only children.
“Loneliness goes hand in hand with the lack of a normal feeling of belonging. Everyone is exposed to this. Parents can also use alcohol or drugs as a remedy for loneliness – with negative effects on the children. A parent who is under the influence cannot behave properly, and this is one contributor to family violence,” explains Ani Grobbelaar, social worker of CMR Gauteng Oos’ Lyttelton branch.
“Then, of course, there is the problem of parents working while the children are on holiday. Children left home alone without supervision causes their own problems. Older children go walking around and if you look for trouble, you will find it. Apart from the safety aspect, there is also boredom. No child can watch TV for 8 hours without becoming bored. They start looking for something to do, and drugs, alcohol, porn and online games easily fill this gap. Parents must do everything in their power to find alternatives to keep children from these bad influences.
“Not just violence but also child neglect increase during this time,” explains Henda van der Merwe, director of CMR Gauteng-Oos. “For us, there is no doubt that family violence will see a sharp increase in the coming weeks. At the end of two years of the global pandemic, we should not forget that the emotional toll of that still plays a role in families. Most people just want to forget that it happened, but we must remember that more than 30 % of our country’s people are jobless. The stress is bigger than in other years.
“The social workers in our organisation are confronted with much more than the need for food. Family support is of the utmost importance during the festive season,” she explains.
The question is how to handle it? There is no easy answer. “Stop. Think. How can what you do in the next 5 minutes, help another person through this period? Can a few minutes of your caring perhaps change his experience – and stop him from grabbing onto something to help him feel better. To care is to give – a few minutes could change a person’s life irrevocably,” Van der Merwe concludes.
by CMR@dmin | Oct 20, 2021 | Stories of Hope
10 years ago I met a 4 year old shy, angry and physically abused little boy with a drunk aggressive mother.
About 10 years ago I met a 4 year old shy, angry and physically abused little boy with a drunk aggressive mother. *Pete’s mother would abuse him when she got drunk and this time she burned him with a candle. This has not been the first time she did such a cruel thing.
We tried to help the mother with parental guidance and enrolled *Pete in our new pre-primary school. He was the first child enrolled. His mother tried to cooperate but struggled with her alcohol addiction. Three years later she passed away and her family wanted to take *Pete back to Lesotho to look after sheep on the farm. He was such a bright little boy and cried he did not know these people and wanted to stay with his stepfather who cared for him since he was small.
*Pete was placed in his stepfather’s foster care and he stayed in school. Foster care with the stepfather went well until he became ill, *Pete had to be moved. One of his teachers was very fond of him and applied for foster care. It was a difficult road and the child struggled to get used to a ‘normal’ home and family. He ran away back to the squatter camp. He rejected the family, he physically attacked the foster mother and he was angry at me the social worker.
The foster parents refused to give up. Five years later I received this message from the foster mother. Email from a prestigious private high school. “*Pete is being acknowledged in today’s Assembly, as it is a senior Assembly and be awarded the trophy in the next junior Assembly, however, he is receiving this trophy for the outstanding speech he wrote as a contribution to our BLOOM Campaign for Public Speaking. Having only started at our school this year I was so impressed to see the strong values, maturity and integrity this young man has shown and I feel that he is one of the most deserving recipients of this award. I would like to congratulate him on this achievement. Kind Regards’’ The foster mother’s words: “If maybe you thought miracles don’t happen anymore!”
by CMR@dmin | Oct 13, 2021 | Child Abuse, Stories of Hope
As ‘n maatskaplike werk hulporganisasie is dit vir ons ‘n riem onder die hart as oplettende volwassenes ons kontak om kinders te kan help
Die meisie kyk met leë oë om haar rond. Waar is hy? Haar pa het haar gedwing om hier te kom staan en bedel. Sy doen dit al jare lank. Elke aand na donker moet sy teruggaan na die klein krot wat hy so lendelam staangemaak het tussen twee geboue. Net ‘n enkelmatras wat winter en somer vir hulle ‘n bed moet wees. Vir haar ma en pa moet ook plek gemaak word om darem ietwat van lê te beleef. Douvoordag word sy weer uitgeboender om haar bakhanddag nog eens aan te pak.
Aletta is al 18. Sy kan nie lees of skryf nie, omdat sy nooit skool beleef het nie. Van die lewe van ‘n tiener kan sy niks vertel nie – omdat sy nog maar net as ‘n bedelaar bestaan. Skuins klappe is alledaags, veral as haar pa nie geld het vir sy dwelms nie. Drank is ‘n tweede keuse, ook makliker om in die hande te kry – dis te sê as sy genoeg geld “huistoe” gebring het. Haar ma is ook verslaaf. Vir haar gee hul nou en dan ‘n trek dagga.
Aletta se ma is ‘n sekswerker. Sy neem Aletta ook soms saam – as die nood groot en die bedelgeld te skraps is. Sy weet nie van keuses maak nie. Ander kinders van haar ouderdom is besig met loopbaankeuses, studiekeuses, en matriekafskeidrokke. Aletta sal nooit ‘n matriekafskeidrok hê nie – en ook nooit matriek behaal nie. Aletta kan nie kies wat sy wil doen nie.
Sy weet nie hoe gekookte kos proe nie. Brood, worsies en polonie. Dis hul stapelvoedsel. Sy voel baie gelukkig as sy ‘n beker koffie in die hande het. Dis vir haar ‘n groot bederf. Nie melk nie. Maar darem ‘n lekseltjie suiker. Soms.
Aletta het nog ‘n sussie ook. Hulle is deur maatskaplike werkers in pleegsorg geplaas omdat hulle nog minderjarig is. Haar jongste sussie, Karien, is nog in die laerskool al is sy amper 14. Sy het soveel skool gemis dat sy nog prober inhaal. Net soos Aletta, het haar pa haar seksueel gemolesteer en aangerand. Maar gelukkig vir Karien, het ‘n ander werkemer by die maatskappy waar haar pa soms dagwerk doen, opgemerk iets is nie pluis toe hy Karien gesien het nie. Sy het toe werk daarvan gemaak om hulp by ‘n maatskaplike werker te kry.
Karien is na assessering van die omstandighede, deur die kinderhof in pleegsorg geplaas. Sy kies om nie kontak met haar ouers te hê nie. Aletta dink Karien is een van die gelukkiges. Wat betyds hulp gekry het om uit haar swak agtergrond en omstandighede te ontsnap. In haar pleegouers se sorg sal Karien keuses kan uitoefen. Sy sal haarself kan verbeter en ‘n gesonde toekoms kan skep.
“As ‘n maatskaplike werk hulporganisasie is dit vir ons ‘n riem onder die hart as oplettende volwassenes ons kontak om kinders te kan help. Vir Aletta is dit te laat, maar Karien kan nog ‘n sukses van haar lewe maak met die hulp van haar pleegouers. CMR Gauteng-Oos ondersteun pleegouers met opleiding en lewer verdere dienste soos berading en sielkundige hulp waar nodig,” sê Henda van der Merwe, direkteur van CMR Gauteng-Oos.
Kontak jou naaste CMR kantoor as jy belangstel om ‘n pleegouer te word.
by CMR@dmin | Sep 15, 2021 | News
Die waarde van spelterapie vir kinders met hul eie unieke vrese, kan nie onderskat word nie.
Daar was ‘n klein seuntjie wat by sy ouers gewoon het, en ‘n ouer sussie gehad het. Hy het soos alle klein seuntjies, gespeel, en sy lewe geniet.
Ongelukkig moes hy elke derde maand hospitaal toe gaan – iets wat vir hom niks lekker was nie. Hy was anemies– en moes selfs bloedoortappings kry om sy rooibloedselle aan te vul.
Die sien van die naalde en medisyne was vir hom ‘n angswekkende ervaring, wat van een keer na die volgende keer nie makliker geword het nie. Hy het geskop en geskree en die behandeling moes onder dwang geskied.
Die dokter het naderhand aan die hand gedoen dat die seuntjie sal baat by spelterapie. Hy het op ‘n weeklikse basis by ‘n terapeut ingeskryf en aan die begin was dit niks meer nie as om hom te laat verstaan dat nie elke persoon wat hy sien, hom wil seermaak nie. ‘n Paar weke later kon daar van trauma terapie na kognitiewe terapie oorgegaan word.
Deel van die spelterapie was dat hy naderhand self kon speel hy gee inspuitings. Toe hy tandarts toe moes gaan, het die terapeut hom deeglik voorberei op die besoek, wat ten spyte van sy angstigheid, tog goed afgeloop het.
Die seun weet nou hy hoef nie bang te wees vir naalde nie. Hy het sy vrees vir mediese personeel, naalde en hospitale oorwin en kan dit nou goed hanteer.
Die waarde van spelterapie vir kinders met hul eie unieke vrese, kan nie onderskat word nie. Kontak ‘n professionele persoon, hetsy ‘n sielkundige of maatskaplike werker wat in spelterapie spesialiseer, vir verdere navrae.
by CMR@dmin | Jul 23, 2021 | Stories of Hope
This is a story of a mother who was willing to give up a nasty habit and a person dragging her down to live for her son.
As a young social worker, relatively new in the field, my perception was that once people are “marked” as bad, especially those dependent on drugs, they are not likely to improve their circumstances.
Our office received a phone call from concerned grandparents and parents. The biological parents of a small child were staying on the premises of the parents of the biological father. The grandparents of this child were concerned about his safety because the parents were using drugs and have been using drugs on and off for the last 10 years. The biological parents have been in a committed relationship throughout their drug use.
The grandparents would let the child stay with them during the nights but during the daytime, the child would be with his mother- whether she was high or not. The concern of the grandparents was that this child is being exposed to a lifestyle that is not appropriate and is exposed to living circumstances that are unhygienic and not safe, never the less for the child but for anyone around.
When I, the social worker, arrived at the premises, the grandparents were shaken and scared. My colleague and I assured the grandparents that if they are able to take care of the child, we would place the child in their care. We also assured them that we need to deliver preventative services and we use our professional discretion to act in the best interest of the child. We found that the grandparents were able and capable of looking after this child.
As soon as we met with the biological mother, we could see that she was coming down from a high. She was shaking and crying and begging us not to take her child. We explained the seriousness of the situation and how dangerous these circumstances were for this small child. We entered the house. It was dark, smelly and extremely dirty. Clothes were lying everywhere, cigarette buds lay strewn around and amidst all this mess, there the child was sitting and playing. Oblivious to what was going on around him.
I drafted a letter that gave the paternal grandparents custody over the child until this mother could get her act and her life back together. This mother was given time to clean up the house as a first step towards proving that she wants to be the mother she can be for this small boy. The boy was safe and cared for with his paternal grandparents and his mother could visit him at their house whenever she wanted. The biological father on the other hand was not willing to give up the drugs.
This mother decided that she needs the child in her life more than she does a drug user. She cleaned up her act and with the help of her mother and her parents in law she left a lifestyle of drugs and depending on a drug user behind.
We went for a home visit and saw that she was making slow progress and motivated her to keep going.
A week later, my supervisor phoned and said the following: “You won’t believe it. This house is so clean, it feels like I am in a hotel.”
This mom is still clean and ever so often when I drive by their yard, I see her and the boy playing outside.
We went for a few more home visits after that and all seemed well.
This is a story of a mother who was willing to give up a nasty habit and a person dragging her down to live for her son.
We are so proud of her and it is stories like this one that keeps us motivated and going in this profession that can sometimes be draining, overwhelming and sad beyond comprehension.
by CMR@dmin | Jul 13, 2021 | News
As social workers, we come into contact with shocking human behaviour on a daily basis
Violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, denigration. The problem of humans behaving inappropriately towards one another, causing harm and trauma to others, has existed since the dawn of history.
In times gone by a shroud of silence was drawn over happenings in the home: in more affluent societies especially, since “bad stuff could not possibly happen in good homes”. Thus much damage was inflicted that remained unnoticed and unattended.
In 2021 there is probably only a small minority that has not been reached with the message that gender violence, sexual abuse and like behaviour is unacceptable and in fact, criminal.
But much harm is inflicted without physical violence. There is the ever-present possibility of sexual abuse in the home, covered by layers of secrecy and shame. Young children (mostly girls) have a slight to none chance of coming out with the truth and being believed by older people. If the truth were ever to be laid bare, the figures would probably be so shocking as to be near-unbelievable.
“As social workers, we come into contact with shocking human behaviour on a daily basis,” explains Henda van der Merwe, director of CMR Gauteng East. “We endeavour to reach our communities with programmes aimed at preparedness as well as early intervention and of course, being at the stope face we also have to get involved where statutory steps need to be taken in the interest of a child.
“Much can be achieved in preventing problems if people remain alert and aware of the impeding social factors around them: such as cyber bullying, emotional abuse or falling prey to porn addiction. Prevention is always better than having to address concomitant problems after they have become entrenched.
“Children that had to be removed from a home environment where they suffered severe trauma, have to be assisted with counselling to help them with healing and experiencing hope. Many of them show problem behaviours that could include anger, violence, self-harming and even attempted suicide – even in very young children.
“Our social workers support the child with long-term emotional healing and integration into society. The sad realities are not lessening, they are growing. This means we need more trained people able to help with the social ills of our time, as well as community members reporting after seeing or hearing these ills, ” van der Merwe concludes.
by CMR@dmin | Jun 10, 2021 | Stories of Hope
My sister and I went to stay with different maternal aunts after our parents started to have financial problems.
The Children’s Court Inquiry was finalized and I was placed with my maternal aunt and her husband in a different province. I went to visit my parents from time to time but were returned to my aunt on private arrangement.
After my foster parents got divorced the placement failed and I was placed in safe care with Mr and Mrs Z (not related).
Mrs Z, sent me to be professionally assessed by a social worker. The social worker’s report stated that I was exposed to family violence, alcohol abuse and possible sexual games in our house.
I was then assessed again and for the first time I could open up and tell the truth. I confirmed that it was true. I had to mention that my elder brother sexually molested me, I told my mother but she ignored it.
I maintained an average of 80% at school and enjoyed a lot of different sport activities. I was comfortable with my placement and have a strong bond with my new family and feel that I belong.
I have contact with my mother via phone calls but do not feel comfortable with physical contact.
With all the support from my foster parents, the social worker and my new family, I finished matric a year ago and are now studying at Potchefstroom University.
I see a bright future for myself.
Foster care includes stability, a better support system for the child, and the foster parents making a difference.
by CMR@dmin | Jun 1, 2021 | Stories of Hope
My parents had no proper accommodation and lived in very bad circumstances. My mother tested positive for Dagga and Crystal Meth and my father could not take proper care of me.
Because there were no close family that could take proper care of me, the social worker explained to my biological parents that I had to be placed in temporary safe care. My parents visited me for the first time at the Place of Safety House and I was very emotional.
My parents attended the Children’s Court Proceedings and afterwards visited me at the Place of Safety House and the visit went well. My parents could not visit me during the lockdown for Covid-19 pandemic but could phone me. My parents had to follow the rules of the Place of Safety House.
I have adjusted well to the structure and the routine of my Place of Safety House. I have contact on a regular base with my biological parents but I enjoy going back to play with the other toddlers at my Place of Safety House. With my last visit under the supervision of the social worker my mother again tested positive for drugs.
The social workers introduced me to Mr and Mrs X, who would like to become my Foster parents. I enjoyed it to play with Mr and Mrs X.
Mr and Mrs X is busy with the application and screening process to become my Foster parents.
Child abuse is when a parent or caregiver, whether through action or failing to act, causes injury, death, emotional harm or risk of serious harm to a child. There are many forms of child maltreatment, including neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation and emotional abuse.
by CMR@dmin | May 31, 2021 | Stories of Hope
This is my story….
My biological father does not have contact with me and his current whereabouts are unknown. My mother refuses to share information about my biological father.
My mother got married again. I was removed from their care. My parents both abused drugs and we were also exposed to drugs.
I was abused in to such an extent, that when I was “naughty”, my parents would not give me food. We were then placed in temporary safe care and later placed in foster care. These placements have been challenging.
I experienced developmental difficulties, being severally traumatized and there are ongoing conflict between my foster parents and my parents.
The conflict between my foster parents and biological parents has calmed down, due to the fact that the social workers made it clear that contact will take place through the professionals.
My placement however, have been successful up to date. I don’t know what my future holds in for me but I will keep on praying that somehow I will be happy as a grown-up.
Some abusers never leave external marks. However if you could see the marks they leave on our souls, you would recoil in horror.
by CMR@dmin | Apr 13, 2021 | Stories of Hope
A Pretoria boy who spent seven years in foster care, was recently reunited with his mother.
“At age seven he was removed from his family home due to severe violence. The entire family was at risk – one of the worst cases we have ever seen,” explains the social worker who supported the boy all this time. “But his story is a story of hope: we never give up” says Henda van der Merwe, director of CMR Gauteng-Oos.
Kobus* (nom de plume) struggled initially – as a result of the trauma he experienced at such a young age; he had many emotional and behavioural problems to overcome,” she explains.
“His caregivers at the foster home had a very trying time with his anger problems, anxiety and suicide attempts. Such a road is not an easy one and demands more than just love and patience.”
CMR Gauteng-Oos supports their foster parents with ongoing training and emotional support and in cases like this young boy – the impact on the foster family is carefully monitored and problems are addressed.
“The CMR, a registered Child Protection Organisation with statutory powers, aim to keep families together and manages to reunite families despite the common impression that we just remove children from their homes,” explains van der Merwe.
“Circumstances like child molestation or -neglect leads to a court order which instructs organisations like CMR Gauteng-Oos to remove the child. The child is taken to a place of safety and can be placed in a foster home, Industrial School or Children’s Home, following careful investigation into what would be best for the individual child. Children are only returned to their homes if the circumstances have changed in a positive way and if deemed in the interest of the child.
Kobus and his mother were quite nervous before reuniting, says the social worker who assisted them with the reuniting process.
What led to this happening? He wrote his mother a letter in which he asked her to answer his many questions about his background. She had only had telephonic contact with the social worker, but after receiving the letter, she expressed the wish to have her son living with her. Both of them received counselling to prepare them emotionally.
Van der Merwe concludes: “In accordance with the Children’s Act (Act 38 of 2005) we try in all cases not to alienate a child from his parents. Social workers have to keep the child in contact with the parents, with the help of his ‘new parents’. A working agreement, prepared by the social worker, is entered into, and signed by all parties. A child’s story can become a success story. Kobus’ story is such a story of hope and success.”
CMR Gauteng-Oos currently supports almost 900 children in foster care.
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